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dog fun

Dog Fun!

Dog Cartoons


Cartoon stock

Glassbergen's dog cartoons

Maria Scriven's dog cartoons

Mark Parisi's "Off the Mark" dog cartoons

Compilation of cartoons with dogs


Dog Jokes



Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not necessary.

The proper order is: kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •


Dog Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Cat Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.......

•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •


To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- dog nose height.

Dear Dogs:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to me stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!


•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •


When we think they're just looking at us adoringly, this is what they're really thinking:

Why do humans smell the flowers, but rarely one another?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old story?

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Things I must remember to be a good dog:
  • I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
  • I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
  • I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
  • The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  • The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
  • The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  • My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  • I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
  • I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  • Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
  • I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  • I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
  • I will not throw up in the car.
  • I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt on the carpet.
  • I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
  • The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

-- Author Unknown

•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •


Dogs' Pet Peeves About Humans
  • Blaming your farts on me, not funny, not funny at all.
  • Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!!
  • How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat-butt?
  • Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
  • Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it
  • Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
  • Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing ... idiot!
  • How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
  • Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile!
  • Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
  • When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
  • The sleight of hand, fake fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit!
  • Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Maltese: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •


Rules for non-dog-owners who visit and like to complain about our dogs:
  1. Our dogs live here. You don't.
  2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
  3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
  5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money, are easier to train, usually come when called, never ask to borrow your car, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need college tuition, and are completely uninterested in piercing body parts.

•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •


The following ad was in The Atlanta Journal:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old Labrador Retriever. Men are so easy.

•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •


In rural Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •


HELP NEEDED ASAP
Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for a dog, we have been notified by breed rescue that, at long last, our number has come up and ... WE ARE HAVING A PUPPY!

We must get rid of our children IMMEDIATELY because we just know how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be and it just wouldn't be fair to the children. Since our little puppy will be arriving on Monday we MUST place the children up for adoption this weekend!

They are described as:
One male -- his name is Tommy, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), light blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Temperament tested. Does have problems with peeing directly in the toilet. Has had Chicken Pox and is current on all shots. Tonsils have already been removed. Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little training he should be able to read soon.

One female -- her name is Lexie, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), strawberry blonde hair, green eyes quite freckled. Two years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Has been temperament tested but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and can be affectionate. Gets along well with other little girls and little boys but does not like to share her toys and therefore would do best in a one child household. She is a very quick learner and is currently working on her house training. Shouldn't take long at all.

We really do LOVE our children so much and want to do what's right for them. That is why we contacted a rescue group. But we simply can no longer keep them. Also, we are afraid that they may hurt our new puppy.

I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed into your rescue by Sunday night at the latest or we will be forced to drop them off at the orphanage or along some dark, country road. Our priority now has to be our new puppy.

-- Author Unknown

•   •   •   •   •   •   •   •   •

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Funny Dog Pix



Why Dogs Bite - bikini

Why Dogs Bite - flowers

Why Dogs Bite - sneakers
Why Dogs Bite



dog towel
Dog Towel



Googled
Googled



Strange Bedfellows
Strange Bedfellows



Tink Loves Milk
Tink Loves Milk



Water Bottle
Water Bottle



Someone to Lean On
Someone to Lean On



Wrong Beds
Wrong Beds



Blinders
Blinders



Tongue in Sleep
Tongue in Sleep



Protected
Protected

hot dog
Hot Dog

Spineless
Spineless



Killer
Killer



Utter Relaxation
Utter Relaxation



Wrong Direction
Wrong Direction



Temptation
Temptation


Dolphin Kiss
Dolphin Kiss


Squeezably Soft
Squeezably Soft


Heaven
Heaven



Why Dogs Kill Their People
Why Dogs Kill Their People


So Sleepy
So Sleepy


Naptime
Naptime



Hunny Lover
Hunny Lover



Morning Walks are Killer
Morning Walks are Killer



Mine
Mine



Leg Room
Leg Room



Tucked In
Tucked In



The Perfect Pillow
The Perfect Pillow

How Dishwashers Really Work
How Dishwashers Really Work

Great Expectations
Great Expectations

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last updated on June 21, 2017
links last checked on June 21, 2017